Kudelka’s view: http://www.kudelka.com.au/
Businessman Bob Clifford today robustly defended his support of a proposed cable car to the summit of Mt Wellington. “Simply put, it’s necessary infrastructure. How else are we going to get thousands of workers to the new nuclear power plant at the Summit?” he said while tapping the side of his head.
“As for the proposed restaurant at the cable station, it’ll be modest,” he continued. “Modestly grotesque, like a turducken. I mean, all we want is a Starbucks inside a McDonald’s inside a mega-Banjo’s. Shaped like a pie.” To illustrate his case, Mr Clifford showed the waiting media an impression of the restaurant, which when viewed from Hobart will appear to be floating in the sky. The nuclear power station’s vapour towers thoughtfully had four-and-twenty swift parrots covered in industrial grime painted on them and were placed so as to suggest steam rising from the freshly (half-baked idea) pie.
Clifford also took pains to stress that the visual impact of the cableway itself would be minimal as it was 100 per cent hidden by massive billboards. Meanwhile trees removed to make way for the cableway pylons would be recycled into distinctive HOLLYWOOD-style lettering to assist in marketing the mountain development. “The orginal suggestion was MT WELLINGTON but for branding reasons I plan to go with something simple like IT’S MOUNT WELLINGTON YOU MORONS NOT FUCKING KUNANYI.”
Despite the 3 Gigawatts of nuclear power being insufficient to light the sign at night, Clifford reassured the public that a sustainable solution was at hand. “At peak lighting requirement incident temporal intervalities, otherwise known as night-time, the power will be supplemented by a biogas generator fuelled by dead conservationists.” Clifford conceded that although he would like to harvest more greenies for biogas, he gave his word to abide by the terms of the harvesting agreement. “Look, my heart’s in doing this the right way. Producing green biogas will be even harder than producing green veneer, but we’ll get there.”
Clifford announced the project was shovel ready, assuming the shovel was used to bludgeon the state Treasury, the Federal Treasury, the IMF and the Central Milky Way Development Bank repeatedly for up to three generations. “We can have his baby-boo up and flushing cash down the Clarendon Vale toilet before you can say ‘snoutsnuffling debt-facility for Bob-a-job,” he beamed. “The secret to chucking a lossmaking haymaker lies in the reduplication of the cableway so as to as to provide a smooth twin-track perfect for aerial catamarans.” He announced an open tender process and invited all Hobart-based manufacturers of giant catamarans to take part.
Rounding on the noisy minority of only 88.5% of the population ( Mercury: Race to the Top ) who don’t support development at the Summit, Clifford reached for his trump. “Seeing as finance capitalism has failed the USA, and Great Britain, and Greece, and Portugal, and Ireland, and I forget all those other basket cases, we simply must give it every chance to fail here too. Spectacularly. On an iconic mountain. That’s what will make Tasmania world class.”
Satirist *Boohoo is known to the Editor
