I’m not cheap … but I am on special this week
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody…
Now I see that I should have been more specific…
My second favourite household chore is ironing.
My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint
If you can’t fix it with a hammer,
you’ve got an electrical problem
If you don’t agree with me,
it means you haven’t been listening.
I try to take one day at a time.
But sometimes several days attack me at once.
It’s better to have loved and lost
than to live with a psycho
for the rest of your life.
You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40.
If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape
I’ve nearly reached the age where the happy hour is a nap
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
Why is it there are so many more horse’s asses than there are horses?
The cardiologist’s diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out
Why should anyone suffer in silence,
when you can moan, whimper, cry and complain?
A careful study of economics has recently revealed
that the best time to buy anything is last year.
“The problem with internet quotes
is that it is difficult to discern which ones are genuine.”
~ Abraham Lincoln
Never miss a good chance to shut up
No matter where you go, you’re there
The colder the X-ray table,
the more of your body is required to be on it.
If at first you don’t succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory…
A friend is someone who doesn’t like the same people you do
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. Piss on it and walk away
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished
Wouldn’t it be ironic if you choked on a lifesaver?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says
“If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR
The voices in my head may not be real,
but they have some good ideas!
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
There is no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from.
Scientists have discovered that 75%
of all work place stress is caused
by resisting the urge to punch someone
who really deserves it…
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Just try explaining the value of statistical summaries
to the widow of the man who drowned
crossing a stream with an average depth of four feet
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
Don’t believe everything you think
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
The only problem with mornings
is that they happen too early in the day
I’m going South for Winter..actually..
some parts of me are headed there already
For high blood pressure sufferers ~
simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes,
thus reducing the pressure on your veins.
[remember to use a timer.]
Jim Wilson Founding member of the Association of Rugged Mountain Men (ARMM) Tasmanian Division. Pirate Squad! Arr. via Nick
